Am I Known?

When I started this journey in April of 2018 I didn’t realize it would turn into a (what will be) two year endeavor. 

If you ask me now, 2 years of anything from this moment feels like a huge commitment, but somehow when there is rest in our spirit that God is leading us somewhere no amount of time could seem too much of anything. 

My info page finally changed to reflect my new team Botanical Pandas with my new squad. 

I had finally settled into life rhythms in Texas that we’re comprised of a shocking amount of rest. I had a lot of time to think and a new desire to be alone, relatively frequently. I’m not sure if it’s a true desire or an accepted reality considering all of my friends, ya know, have jobs. But, it had been an adjustment from constant community. 

 I had found myself over explaining, inflating details to get a point across, etc. and feeling flighty and panicky when a look of confusion swept across peoples faces. I didn’t understand what was wrong.

I didn’t feel known.

I left Texas to head to Gainesville, GA at the AIM base to do leadership training in tandem with seeing my previous squad for a month 12 recap/send off. It was another strange tug in my belly – I was watching the tightly woven blanket of gifts be carefully unraveled and sewn into a new quilt. God is leading the charge on sustainability! 

The process of being woven into a new tapestry is windy, twisty and a little bit of a tight squeeze to the soul. All of which I believe is a product of loving deeply but holding loosely. One of my least favorite phrases I picked up these last two years Lol.

However , the leadership team that is set to be with E-Squad is beautiful. Perfectly crafted. I felt known again. Seen. Heard. Valued. My gifts were usable again!

But it was temporary. As it always is with anything that isn’t God.

When I started writing this blog, it was a few days into being in Atlanta, GA at the last set of trainings before the squad departed. Now I’m on my second sabbath after almost two weeks in Australia.

I feel known and loved and seen based on desires and thoughts from what feels like ages ago that God desired to give to me. Why? Probably because I’m a brat and my faith was in a weird place but He knew that and chose to give me good things anyway. 

I keep going back to what it means to be in communion with God. What it means to walk in intimacy with the Father and I keep hearing “adventure.” Do I have to feel fully known to be on that adventure? Is that a weird and unfair stipulation? Do the people around me have to fully know me? CAN they? 

The conclusion I have come to today came from reflection on this time in Australia. 

I’ve jumped off a two story jetty with my squad + the ministry team.

I’ve accidentally swam with turtles and dolphins. 

I’ve prayed healing over people.

I’ve worshipped in new ways, sang a new song to the Lord.

I’ve ran up mountains.

I’ve seen huge waves, jumped into a bay.

I’ve helped cook meals for a summer camp of 80 people.

I’ve watched people slide down massive sand dunes.

I’ve listened to hard stories that I know God is in but have no idea how to encourage or be useful.

I’ve listened to testimonies of God speaking to kids and I’ve been one awe of people HUNGRY to share the gospel.

It hasn’t even been a month since I left home and God has blown my mind time and time again. 

I don’t have to wonder if I am fully known or if it matters that others see me, our God always hears us and always knows what we need. 

Nothing profound or new, but faithful and reassuring. 

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you will abound in hope and overflow with confidence in His promises.”
Romans 15:13

As for the rest of my questions, I’ll Understand eventually lol I have like a hundred separate thoughts in this post, but what you should take away is that you shouldn’t have to come to Australia to feel known by God. Or anywhere for that matter, I’m not sure why He still has me on this journey other than I gotta learn things in hard and unique ways. But that’s also a sign that He truly knows and understands me and wants me to really GET it. 

I’m just typing to talk at this point, I am praying for you all (: I pray He touches your heart in a new way today or tomorrow or RIGHT NOW!

cant wait to tell you more about our time here (: