I Used to Hate Christians

(semi click-bait so sorry, but it’s not wrong)

I grew up in the church and I walked away.

When I walked away I didn’t do it raucously but I didn’t do it silently either. I proclaimed my hurts from the church to those who were ALSO hurt. 

 

Misery loves company.

 

This morning I woke up to a comment on one of my previous blog posts from a name I didn’t recognize and a new email address added to the subscription list of this blog; a missionary couple in Mongolia we recently met with. Additionally I woke up to a message in a group chat from our previous team lead about shaving off his beard and I looked to my left at the four beds stretching down the room all filled with the other members of my team, softly sleeping, as their phones lit up to the same message.

 

Holy Spirit nudged my heart – a soft conviction, like a sweet guiding hand placed gently on my back

Psalm 139:10 “Your hand will lead me; Your right hand will hold on to me.”

 

I used to make fun of people who loved Jesus. I would roll my eyes and joke about all the things that came with christianity; the music, the fellowship, the “good-person” bit. You name it.

I reflected on that for only a moment this morning but God showed me much within that moment. 

 

Why did I do that? Why did I even care? 

I used to keep my eyes open, indignantly, during any prayer. I would proudly poke my head up and look around at all the people with their eyes closed and heads bowed and think

“I will NOT conform,” my heart breaks as I think about this now

“I will not be sucked into a religion that is just another southern tradition, just to maybe get into heaven one day.”

But in the back of my mind I always actually thought:

“I’ve been saved and baptized in case I’m wrong. I’ll be good if God actually is real.”

 

I persecuted Christians. I cast mental stones at people and wanted them to suffer for following the Lord. But I proclaimed “Freedom of religion!” “Why does it MATTER what we believe as long as we love one another!”

Ouch. Who hurt me?!

I believed people who loved Jesus were boring, were dull, could ONLY talk about religion, would try to convert you would try to BRAINWASH YOU. I believed that people would only be concerned with their own agenda and try to only invite you to church – very impersonal moments of manipulation just to get you to believe whatever lies they had convinced themselves were truths and come alongside them in their confusion. I thought that Christians couldn’t love people who were gay and would judge anyone who smoked weed or drank alcohol. I thought they just pitied everyone.

I didn’t sit around thinking about how much I disliked these people though, it was quite the opposite. I simply avoided them for fear of judgement on my own life.

These people that slept next to me, these people I have done life with 24/7 for FIVE months fell into that category. OH. MY. ANGSTY. GOODNESS.

 

I did not want to be told what I could and could not do based on some ancient book that couldn’t even be related to something happening in the 2010’s. So many things had changed since the bible had been written, 

ACCEPTANCE.

WAS.

THE.

WAY.

OH my FREAKING HEART is bleeding as I am typing this I want to scream and cry out to Allison when she was a young girl. To ALL the young girls out there.

I want to be careful with my words right now but I also want to bleed as true as possible in this post.

I GET IT. The doubts, the possibilities, the thoughts about how people who follow Jesus have robbed people of their dignity, their worth, their identity. I KNOW those stories I KNOW those people. When I was “following Christ” I was ONE of those people; I didn’t have a relationship with God.

When I say that, what do you think?

Close your computer screen, shut off your phone screen and inside of your innermost being ask God

“What is it you want to tell me right now? Are you there?”

 

The first time I shared the gospel in Taiwan I was asked the question some people go decades asking:

“How do you know God’s voice?”

 

That’s a fantastic question I want to answer for you. But my answer is going to sound like a cop out and a cheap response:

I can’t tell you what it sounds like because it’s different for everyone. 

 

I can tell you, for me, when I acknowledged Holy Spirit’s presence in my life I suddenly realized the difference between my brain and the “still small voice” that really wasn’t a voice at all showing up in the little moments; 

My heart will beat quickly, I may get a little nervous but there’s something that comes up inside of me that I know needs to get out: a word, a motion, a thought. 

 

I didn’t know that you could just talk to God, that you could just tell Him about your day and ask Him what He thinks about you or something happening in the world. I didn’t know that He gave us the same authority He gave Jesus to heal people, to speak life over people that have had death spoken over them, to break agreements people have made with their past and their future. I had no idea how fun it could be to chase the adventure He has placed in every. single. DAY. 

But I promise you

a bold statement

but I promise you that if you truly “SEEK” Him and acknowledge Him in ALL of your ways, He’ll show you the truth, the way, the light that we all YEARN for.

(Proverbs 3:5-6  says pretty much the same thing )

 

If you can take it from anyone, take it from me. 

He has redeemed me and has shown me kindness and grace unlike anything I’ve ever known.

He gave me the World Race and a loving squad of men and women to remind me how much He truly cares for me.

What is your “World Race” from God? Ask Him.

Let me know if He says anything.

 

 

 

/firedup.